Master Tells Jokes | Supreme Master Television

Shiva's 112 Ways of Concentration III, Part 3 of 8, Dec. 28, 1995, Hsihu, Taiwan (Formosa)

33:07

Shiva's 112 Ways of Concentration III, Part 3 of 8, Dec. 28, 1995, Hsihu, Taiwan (Formosa)

A wife and a husband went to see a doctor. And the doctor put the thermometer into her mouth. And told her to sit there for five minutes. Afterward, the husband took the doctor aside and asked him, “Wow, that’s wonderful. Tell me how you do it.” She talks a lot all the time. The husband wanted to learn the trick. […] It’s on the contrary here. Here you want me to talk all the time even 24 hou

Master Tells Jokes

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Master Tells Jokes

Shiva's 112 Ways of Concentration III, Part 2 of 8, Dec. 28, 1995, Hsihu, Taiwan (Formosa)

32:05

Shiva's 112 Ways of Concentration III, Part 2 of 8, Dec. 28, 1995, Hsihu, Taiwan (Formosa)

There was a person who lived until 100 years old. So, of course, he was on television, and in the newspapers and all that. And one of the television journalists, just out of ordinary politeness, told him, “Alright, so goodbye, sir, and I hope to see you again next year, the same, on this program.” So the 100-year-old man said, “Well, I don’t see why not. You look very healthy now.”

Master Tells Jokes

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Master Tells Jokes

Shiva's 112 Ways of Concentration III, Part 1 of 8, Dec. 28, 1995, Hsihu, Taiwan (Formosa)

33:21

Shiva's 112 Ways of Concentration III, Part 1 of 8, Dec. 28, 1995, Hsihu, Taiwan (Formosa)

Everybody [gets] half or what? Alright, [let’s see] if they have enough food for you. Not bad. Enough for everybody? (Yes.) If not, what do you do? You ask people. Right? You go in the kitchen and ask? (Yes. Yes.) OK. Help them. Because sometimes they eat more than they cook for themselves, they can never cook enough. Sometimes the food is good so you eat more of it, so you have to tell them if

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Master Tells Jokes

Laugh Your Way to Heaven, Part 7 of 8, Dec. 28, 2007, Paris, France

32:27

Laugh Your Way to Heaven, Part 7 of 8, Dec. 28, 2007, Paris, France

One man said to the other, “I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know that her first name was Always.” “Always Right.” (“Always Right.”) She’s really happy, isn’t she? She laughs the loudest and laughs continuously at anything at all. I like happy people. Especially when she spends somebody else’s. Now I’ve learned the secret to being happy. All I do is just “look for a guy, you know, to be a su

Master Tells Jokes

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Master Tells Jokes

Laugh Your Way to Heaven, Part 6 of 8, Dec. 28, 2007, Paris, France

32:16

Laugh Your Way to Heaven, Part 6 of 8, Dec. 28, 2007, Paris, France

A secondary school student asked his teacher if a person should be punished for something he had not done or not. “No,” said the teacher, “Of course not. Why should you be punished for something you haven’t done? You didn’t do it. Right?” So, the boy said, “Good. I haven’t done my homework.” (Excellent.)A husband was escorting his wife to a concert, and they arrived late. So

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Master Tells Jokes

Laugh Your Way to Heaven, Part 5 of 8, Dec. 28, 2007, Paris, France

32:54

Laugh Your Way to Heaven, Part 5 of 8, Dec. 28, 2007, Paris, France

Oh, this is a private joke. Should I tell? (No.) (Yes.) It’s like bedroom joke stuff or something. Maybe not too polite or something. I forgot already anyway. I’ve just written here: “private.” So be warned. I read first and if I write “private,” that means something not very groovy. So if you want to hear it, I’ll read it to you. Two old women were sitting on a bench waiting for

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Master Tells Jokes

Laugh Your Way to Heaven, Part 4 of 8, Dec. 28, 2007, Paris, France

33:01

Laugh Your Way to Heaven, Part 4 of 8, Dec. 28, 2007, Paris, France

Johnny has been to a birthday party, and knowing his weakness, his mother looked him straight in the eyes and said, “I hope you didn’t ask for a second piece of (vegan) cake.” So, Johnny said, “No, no, no, I didn’t. I only asked Mrs. Jones for the recipe so you could make some more like it at home. And she gave me two more pieces.”So clever. No need to ask anything, just say, “Wo

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Master Tells Jokes

Laugh Your Way to Heaven, Part 3 of 8, Dec. 28, 2007, Paris, France

31:02

Laugh Your Way to Heaven, Part 3 of 8, Dec. 28, 2007, Paris, France

Are you OK? You need some (vegan) candy, whoever? She just plays like that so she can get that (vegan) candy. Why are you laughing now? (Because everybody’s got a cough.) Oh. Too bad, too bad. Too bad. No more (vegan) candies. I mean, no more of that kind of (vegan) candy. Oh, yeah, there’s some. You want some? (No.) You want one? (No.) In any case, not enough for everybody. So, might as well g

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Master Tells Jokes

Laugh Your Way to Heaven, Part 2 of 8, Dec. 28, 2007, Paris, France

33:30

Laugh Your Way to Heaven, Part 2 of 8, Dec. 28, 2007, Paris, France

Johnny, a boy, a schoolboy, heard that every adult has a secret, so if you say, “I tell you, I know the truth about the whole thing,” they will be shocked, and even if you know nothing at all, maybe they will tell you everything else. So after school, Johnny came home and told his mom, “Mom, I know all the truth about the whole thing.” So, the mother was very shocked and gave him a hundred doll

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Master Tells Jokes

Live in Joy, Part 7 of 7, Dec. 28, 2007, Paris, France

31:58

Live in Joy, Part 7 of 7, Dec. 28, 2007, Paris, France

Should we finish it? (Yes.) Yeah? Can you still laugh? (Yes.) Or you’re too tired to laugh? (No.) No? OK. Does somebody need to go to the airport? No? (I think not.) Are you still OK? If you have to go, you go.A young man had been sitting in the drawing room [for] a long time, and it was getting late. Suddenly, the door opened and her (his girlfriend’s) father entered. He coughed a littl

Master Tells Jokes

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Master Tells Jokes

Live in Joy, Part 6 of 7, Dec. 28, 2007, Paris, France

33:12

Live in Joy, Part 6 of 7, Dec. 28, 2007, Paris, France

A guy said, “I haven’t slept for days.” And the second guy said: “How come?” The first guy said, “I only sleep at night.” Ha-ha-ha. Some joke. I don’t see any other jokes. Probably I went only up to there. So the rest I have to check out. OK? It cannot be that all these are not good jokes. Good, good. Next time, next time. We put it here. OK. So we know we’ve been there. Done that. Alright. We’

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Master Tells Jokes

Live in Joy, Part 5 of 7, Dec. 28, 2007, Paris, France

31:53

Live in Joy, Part 5 of 7, Dec. 28, 2007, Paris, France

A woman went into a shoe shop and said, “I would like a pair of alligator shoes.” So, the male salesman said, “Yes, ma’am. What size is your alligator?” You are so funny. I say, it’s OK, but I didn’t think it was that funny. And you’re laughing yourselves silly. I like that. Good audience, good audience.Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson were camping together. You know Sherlock

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Master Tells Jokes

Live in Joy, Part 4 of 7, Dec. 28, 2007, Paris, France

30:38

Live in Joy, Part 4 of 7, Dec. 28, 2007, Paris, France

A surgeon advised a musician who played the violin that he would have to undergo an operation. The patient said, “But, Doc, I have concerts booked already. If you operate, can I be assured that I will be able to play the violin in two weeks’ time?” So the doctor said, “No problem, no problem. The last patient on whom I performed this operation was playing a harp within 24 hours.” No, I guess he

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Master Tells Jokes

Live in Joy, Part 3 of 7, Dec. 28, 2007, Paris, France

32:47

Live in Joy, Part 3 of 7, Dec. 28, 2007, Paris, France

There was a vampire bat(-person) –the bat(-person) who takes blood, I guess – came flapping from the night, and he was all covered in fresh blood, and he landed himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. And soon, all the other bat(-people) smelled the blood and came and were hassling him about where he got it. He told them to bug off and let him get some sleep, but they would not leave

Master Tells Jokes

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Master Tells Jokes

Live in Joy, Part 2 of 7, Dec. 28, 2007, Paris, France

31:45

Live in Joy, Part 2 of 7, Dec. 28, 2007, Paris, France

Come on, this is just a house. Wow, I feel better. It’s better, huh? (Yes.) Now, we can laugh. I love those things too but just to make the SM Celestial Clothes happy, and the Supreme Master TV, and the photo department happy. Now. OK, you got it? The next one is… I think I’ve told this story already. I’m not sure. In case you heard it already, you just laugh a little bit. Or b

Master Tells Jokes

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Master Tells Jokes

Live in Joy, Part 1 of 7, Dec. 28, 2007, Paris, France

41:05

Live in Joy, Part 1 of 7, Dec. 28, 2007, Paris, France

New people? (Yes.) A lot of… English(-speaking)? (Yes.) OK. All the Westerners come here. All the English-speaking Westerners, the black, the white, the yellow, the red, the stripes. You come here. You’re good? You guys are going or coming? (Going.) Now? (9:00 to 9:30.) 9:30. Wow, you have two hours and a half. (Yes.) Ah, good, good enough, good enough, good enough. Yeah, yeah. Come in, come in

Master Tells Jokes

2026-04-16 3990 Views

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Master Tells Jokes

Laughing with Enlightenment, Part 8 of 8, Dec. 27, 2007, Paris, France

34:49

Laughing with Enlightenment, Part 8 of 8, Dec. 27, 2007, Paris, France

The school has just released the grades of the final exams. Mom asked, “Liza, I heard Rose next door got 99 points in math. What about you?” So, Liza said proudly, “I got one more point than her.” Mom was happy, “You got 100 points, girl?” Liza said, “No, I got 9.9.” Only 99 points, and this one, 9.9.A distinctive businessman, Jack, told his son one day, “I

Master Tells Jokes

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Master Tells Jokes

Laughing with Enlightenment, Part 7 of 8, Dec. 27, 2007, Paris, France

33:49

Laughing with Enlightenment, Part 7 of 8, Dec. 27, 2007, Paris, France

One day, two schoolgirls went to the library to review lessons. Kate was helping Lily with the revision. “What’s the meaning of this word?” So, Lily scratched her head and said, “I forgot. Beats me (idiom for ‘I don’t know’).” So, Kate beat Lily and then told her the meaning of the word. A few days later, they went to the library together again. Kate asked Lily again the meaning of that word. L

Master Tells Jokes

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Master Tells Jokes

Laughing with Enlightenment, Part 6 of 8, Dec. 27, 2007, Paris, France

29:50

Laughing with Enlightenment, Part 6 of 8, Dec. 27, 2007, Paris, France

Sonny said to Dad, “Dad, what is creeping inflation?” His father said, “Creeping inflation is when your mother starts out asking for new shoes and ends up with a complete new outfit.” Are there such families? They always complain about women’s spending. I don’t know, is it true? (Yes.) (It’s true.) (Sometimes.)A plane is about to take off. An airline hostess

Master Tells Jokes

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Master Tells Jokes

Laughing with Enlightenment, Part 5 of 8, Dec. 27, 2007, Paris, France

32:39

Laughing with Enlightenment, Part 5 of 8, Dec. 27, 2007, Paris, France

A recruiting ad for a French learning class says the following, “If you find you do not like this course and want to quit after the first class, you can request to refund your tuition, but you must say this in French.” Then you have to stay. Right? (Yes.) You understand? (Yes.)A teacher said to the students, “Why did you do so poorly on the exam?” Kitty, “The degrees of my g

Master Tells Jokes

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Master Tells Jokes